TV Boyfriends: Uncategorized Edition

In an attempt to shift my focus to lighter topics and assuage my insomnia, I decided to compile a list of my TV boyfriends and girlfriends. In the process, I discovered that I suffer from an excess of lust (and pride and sloth and greed and envy)– the candidates were so numerous that I had to break them down into multiple posts. This is the first one.

I also realized that I have a distinct ‘type’ with respect to some things, but I’m truly all over the place with others. I had a hard time justifying why some of these people were even on my list– I couldn’t evince why they turned me on, just that they did. I guess what my married friends said during their obnoxious stage is true: When you know, you just know. I encourage you to heartily agree with my harem, question my sanity, or offer up harem contenders of your own.

And yes, Sass, I know we share joint custody on many of the people appearing in my harems. I’m down.

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These three don’t have much in common. Frankly, they’re the only ones I couldn’t find a category for, so if anyone can see a common thread, please let me know and I’ll give these three hotties a category to call their own.

Fox Mulder, X-Files

One of my very first TV-boyfriends. Mulder was hot, brilliant, tortured, misunderstood and a bit of a spaz. His dogged determination to exorcise his demons and prove his wacky theories correct made him very appealing to young adults such as myself who felt like we too were perceived as misunderstood and wacky despite our personal conviction that we were brilliant and destined for greatness. Mulder wasn’t all perfect, though– he was often quite a dick to the lovely Dana Scully and when he cried, he bore a striking resemblance to a Shar-Pei. But really, who other than Allison Janney and Sarah Michelle Gellar can pull off a really pretty cry? I’m not gonna hate on Mulder for that.

Of course, I have to deliberately separate Mulder from David Duchovny, who came off as an arrogant boor in almost all media. The whole manslut artiste vibe did not appeal, and when he started bitching in detail about the ‘hell’ of filming in Vancouver, this little Canadian got piqued. Of course, once he got his way and the show moved to LA, he quit. Perhaps he suffered from David Caruso Syndrome, or perhaps it was his incongruous choice of wife (the unfunny Tea Leoni) that led to this dumbass decision. I suppose the Duke didn’t realize that his acting is pretty one-note and attributed his fame to delusions of great talent as opposed to his cult status. His bitchery about his years on The X-Files is a case study in what happens when you bite the hand that feeds you– since leaving the show, his work has been confined to guest bits in the movies and TV shows of personal friends– and to his credit, he was always excellent– but it’s hardly the superstardom I suspect he was anticipating. Recently, Duchovny landed a regular gig as the leading man on Californication (a show he produces himself, incidentally) and I must say the show is pretty good, despite Duchovny’s character being an arrogant manwhore. The Duke’s acting is even believable in this one– I suspect because he’s playing a character not too far removed from himself. Or his fantasies.

Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race

Perhaps you find The Phil to be a surprising choice. If you watch The Amazing Race, you may have some insight into what makes Phil the hottest host on TV.

Let’s start with the obvious and shallow: Phil has an accent. It’s Kiwi (not Australian, dammit!), but frankly who cares? Because accents are hot. Also, Phil is an accomplished outdoorsman and adventurer– kind of like The Crocodile Hunter, but without the braying and the cartoonish voiceovers. Or the crocodiles. Phil’s more of an extreme sports type of adventurer. It’s hard to ignore the tug of desire I feel when confronted with a man so fucking manly that he cage dives with great white sharks and jumps out of planes. And everyone seems to genuinely like Phil– from Quechua medicine women to Masai warriors, Phil’s respect and enthusiasm for his vocation garners him world-wide props.

On TAR, Phil doesn’t do much except introduce segments and stand at the finish line next to some uncomfortable local in ‘traditional’ garb. Phil’s garb is equally deserving of comment– he is often outfitted in a sweater of some sort– usually he looks scrumpy, but there have been some unfortunate Cosby-like sweaters for which I place the blame squarely on whomever is responsible for costuming. Phil seems to know when his sweaters suck, because he looks ashamed of how he’s dressed– kind of like a kid that knows he’s been dressed by his half-blind and woefully out-of-touch mother.

Phil has an understated sense of humor and an excellent sense of comedic timing– often the bullshit spewed in his direction from the less tasteful of TAR contestants is met with a single raised brow or a wry comment that is rarely understood by the contestant but relished by the home viewer. Phil also appears to have no problem laying down the smack on those contestants whose behaviour is so ignoble that he cannot resist expressing his distaste. I like it that he’s able to point out what an asshat people are being without being aggressive or escalating the situation. Sometimes I wish he’d just punch the shit out of some of these people (Jonathan, I’m talking about you) and I bet he would love to serve up some street justice, too, if delivering an ass-kicking wasn’t a fireable offence. Too bad the show isn’t on FOX.

Taye Diggs, Kevin Hill

OK. I know Taye Diggs has done way more work on stage and film than on TV, but I had to fit him in somewhere because regardless of where this hunk of chocolate heaven is working nowadays, the fact remains that he never fails to deliver the hawt. I watched Kevin Hill solely because it provided me with a regular fix of The Taye, and I’m still pissed off that it got cancelled, because it wasn’t all that bad. Because, Taye Diggs! Hello? It could be a show about ditch-digging and I’d watch it if he was in it.

What can I say about the incomparable hotness of Taye Diggs? He makes my loins burn. When he takes his shirt off I feel tingly in my girlie bits. His arms and abs are fucking lickable. I grin like an ass whenever he’s on the screen, broken up by frequent episodes of moaning in lust. If someone has the unfortune of being with me at the time, they’re sure to be annoyed by my repetitive exclamations as to his inveterate hotness.

Aside from his obvious physical attributes, there are other things that contribute to Taye’s rampant sexiness: He dresses well and looks fucking edible in a business suit. He can pull off the metro look without looking fey or vain. He can sing, dance and play the piano, all of which somehow enhance his masculinity, which is a rare feat indeed. By all accounts, he’s a stand-up guy. He’s married, and while this fact would tend to cause a small reduction in my lust-quotient for your average hottie, Taye once again manages to work this in his favor. His marriage to uberbabe Idina Menzel only spurs on further depraved fantasies– they are arguably the hottest couple in showbiz (Brad and Angelina? Whatev.) and I would gladly snatch up the opportunity to be the meat in a Taye-and-Idina sandwich. Bottom line: He’s squidge-worthy, sponge-worthy, and hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.

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OK. All that thinking about Taye Diggs has made me… tired. Yes, tired… that’s it, yeah. I think I’ll go to bed.