So I just got back from a job interview.
Although I’m cognizant of the fact that I am my own harshest critic, this time I fully deserve to be kicked in the ass, because the interview was a complete disaster and it was 100% my fault.
I wasn’t sure I wanted this job anyhow, so perhaps I was semi-consciously sabotaging myself. I don’t know what my psyche’s motivations were. But I write this post in the hopes of educating others who may actually want to make a good impression and not be unemployed forever. If you do exactly the opposite of me, you stand a chance at being successful. Alternatively, if you want to pooch an interview just for the hell of it, here are some steps you may wish to follow:
1. Do your pre-interview research at 3:00 a.m. the day of your interview. You will most certainly fail to retain that information and thus fail to develop any intelligent statements based on it.
2. Go to bed at 4:30 a.m. and wake up at 7:00. Mind-numbing exhaustion, while effective in reducing anxiety, is not effective for anything else other than fantasizing about going back to bed.
3. In an effort to deal with the 2.5 hours of ’sleep’ you have, drink a ton of coffee and load up on your ADD meds. Shaking like a tweaker fails to make a good impression unless you’re a showbiz exec.
4. Fail to properly assess your wardrobe in advance. This can result in last-minute ironing and shoe-polishing. A poor outfit can mitigate the anxiety-reducing effects of your lack of sleep– this combined with the coffee and amphetamines swings you into a state of mania, which can be recognized by scurrying about ineffectively whilst swearing like a trooper. And taking frequent pee breaks.
5. Special note for the ladies: Just because you have four pairs of pantyhose in your dresser does not mean that any of them are viable. Failing to check for picks, holes and runs in advance results in spending half an hour attempting to decide on the most acceptably decrepit pair and then artfully rearranging your clothing in an attempt to hide the offending hole/run. Because you are already running late, buying a new pair is simply not an option.
6. Decide that you must turn your mind to how you will answer the typical interview questions ten minutes before your scheduled departure time. Instead of accepting the fact that you are unprepared and simply going to the interview, redouble your efforts. This will result in poorly thought-out responses that you will not retain and will successfully erase any time ‘cushion’ you may have had to account for your perpetual lateness.
7. Due to the fact that you are now running late, choose to take a taxi instead of public transit. Who needs $20 when they’re unemployed?
8. Fail to call and order said taxi, and instead aim to flag one down at the nearest intersection. Doggedly persist in this despite indicators that it’s a losing proposition– things like a noticeable lack of taxis due to the redirection of traffic for roadwork purposes.
9. Do not move to another intersection in the hopes of finding a more taxi-rich environment. Instead, light a cigarette, wave madly at anything bearing even a vague resemblance to a taxi, and pace about, swearing aloud. Sometimes this will confer benefits, such as the sympathy and advice of local pedestrians. Listen to these people, even if they have big 80s hair and acid-wash jeans, for they are surely more sane than you. I am grateful for the sage words of my local pedestrian, who suggested I call the potential employer and notify them of my impending lateness. Unfortunately, this will not be enough to tip the scales in your favor, because you’ve already made a bollocks of the entire process.
10. When calling the potential employer to notify them of your lateness, ensure that you are standing on a busy streetcorner. Choose your moment wisely– making the call while the construction crew is drilling into cement is ideal.
11. Spend a few minutes considering going home, going back to bed, and pretending you forgot about the interview. Ultimately decide that you deserved to be punished for your idiocy and proceed with what is now nothing but a farce from which the only productive thing that could possibly emerge is a mediocre blog post.
12. Sit down in taxi and realize your skirt is a bit on the short side. Try to put a positive spin on it, reminding yourself that an office insider told you that one of the interviewers is a skeezy guy so it behooves you to flash a little corporate T&A. Realize that not only is ’slut’ not a great message to deliver, but the hiked-up skirt reveals the derelict nature of your pantyhose. Resign yourself to looking like you have been outfitted by Courtney Love’s stylist.
13. Arrive at interview and learn that the aforementioned pervert interviewer couldn’t make it and instead you will be interviewed by two middle-aged women. Try to find the humor in your self-induced travesty, but fail because this shit just ain’t funny when you’re living it.
14. Be so nervous, speedy and unprepared that you ramble on like the crazy homeless person you so resemble. Ensure that there are long, uncomfortable silences between bouts of verbal diarrhea. Attempt to repeat yourself as much as possible, ideally in response to the same question.
15. Tell the truth about your recent termination and attempt to ignore the sudden chill from the interviewers. Instead, try to put a positive spin on getting fired, which inevitably sounds totally canned and half-assed, which is exactly what it is.
16. Agree with whatever the interviewers say and pretend you totally get it, even if you don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Spend the next two minutes silently praying they don’t ask you to expand upon it and in the process utterly miss the next question, requiring the interviewers to repeat themselves.
17. When the interview ends an hour earlier than scheduled, do not dismay as it is already apparent to you that you fucked this one up in a big way. Instead, be grateful that you will get out of the pantyhose and into bed an hour earlier.
18. Resolve to do better next time. First step: blog about it in the hopes that it will serve as a reminder to you and will build up excellent karma by preventing others from following your example.
